Monday, March 31, 2008
GEEZ! Less than two days aftr I publish my post about all em fracktures among th Roamin Catlickrs, I hear a news rport that Islam has ovrtaken Roamin Cathaholism as th werlds largest rligion.
G-REAT! Now Im a gonna hafta be duckin calls from BOFE th Vatican AND th Dpartment o Homeland Security!
Yeah. Probly Cat Stevens too!
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Roun th Eastr hollyday, as I was contemplatin firin up th ol Passion of the Christ DVD, I foun myself wondrin jus whatnaheck evr happmd to Mel Gipson -- yknow, aftr he got in all at trouble fer badmoufin Jews. Did that jus fuckin END his career or what? I mean, th only thing werse than badmoufin Jews when yer livelyhood is in Hollywood is badmoufin Jews when yer livelyhood is in, like, Hymietown itself. And Mel was dumb enough t go n badmouf th Jews whilst e was bein arrestd fer sompm. You tell me how a guys a-spposta find imself a friggin LAWYR when e been badmoufin Jews alla time.
So anyhowski, I dcide to look at Wikipedias entry on ol Mel, t see if it kinda gives a ovrall account o th impackt o Mels meltdown on his career, and heres where I realy got sidetrackd. See, I awready knew that Mel is, like, a Roamin Catlickr, and there been some speckulation that his anti-Semitism is somhow rootd in his Roamin Catlickin. Now I awways thougt that coud NOT be th case, cause in my Roamin Catlickin days, I aint nevr had nothin against th Jews. Now I aint gonna bullshit yas n say that some o my best friends is Jewish, but some ubm at least look Jewish -- and whos th say they aint, rightski? But, see, I also knew that Mel Gipsons ol man is a-spposta be, like, some kinda Roamin Catlickr on sterrhoids -- or, like, junk maybe. Hes whats calld a Sedevacantist.
Whats a Sedevacantist, you ask? Yeah. Me too. Thats what I done askd, when I red that in th Wikipedia entry. I thougt I knew all about bein a Roamin Catlickr, but BOY was I in fer a edjumacation! And this brings me to th REAL prpose o this post. All that stuff about Hymies was ... well ... all in FUNski. See, Jews aint ALL lawyrs. Lots of em is CMEDIANS. Lots of em is clarinet playrs too, but thats fer a hole nothr post I guesski.
So lemme fill ya in on Roamin Cathaholism. See, th Roamin Catlick Church is runnd by th Popeski in Rome. Thats hows come th Church is Roamin. And th Church been runnd by th Popeski goin alla way back to Saint Petr, th Lords right-han man. Fas-forward a couple Inquisitions and moren a few Crusades latr and we end up in th mid-1800s, when th Popeski dcided to cnvene a Vatican Councl. See, th Vatican is, like, th Popes digs, and he musta figgrd it was about time t call in th clergy & clarify some shit. This wunt th firs time there was such a majr councl o Catlickrs. Prhaps you heard o th Council o Trent, where th Catlickrs got tgethr to respond to all th fuss from all em Protestnt fuckrs that suddnly sprungd up in th 1500s and spoilt evrything. Some munk namd Martn Lufr King startd all this cmplainin about Church teachin and Church pracktices and aftr th Catlickrs realizd they coont, like, torture, imprisn, and execute all th cmplainrs into silence, they dcided to hold a councl and werk out a carefuly cnsiderd rsponse. At th Councl o Trent, they dcided explicitly to outlaw Simony; and we can jus be glad they dint also outlaw Garfunkely and Bob Dylany, cause if theyd a-done that, then I think you coud make a case fer sayin th Catlickrs realy do gots sompm against Jewish fokes -- or Jewish foke-singrs at any rate.
So this Vatican Councl in th 1800s was a rsponse to anothr assault on th Church. This time, howevr, th enemy wunt Protestantism. It was Modernism and Rationalism. And th net rsult o th Vatican Councl was to declare that th Pope nevr makes no mistakes; and this prtickular Popeski happmd also to declare that all this Modernist and Rationalist crapola woud be cnsignd to a flushin down th toilet -- but fer th fackt that toilets is so dangd modern.
Kay. You fokes followin me so far? Evry now & again, th Pope gotsta remind fokes whos Pope, yknow?
So this Vatican Councl kinda alienates th Libral Catlickrs, and some o them splits off & forms their own littl Catlickin cliq. But, ocourse, Libral Catlickrs is about as plennyful as pandabears in Panama, so no one realy cared so much about th ones that split, and they cared evn less about th ones who stayd & jus felt all alienatd-like.
And fokes, I still aint realy got to th point o all iss; but hang on, cause Im a-gettin to it.
So now we gets to th mid-1960s and its time fer anothr Vatican Councl. Vatican Councl II. This is th one where th Popeski, like, died in th middle of it and anothr Popeski hadta finish it. But in this councl, th Catlickrs was tryin t be all, like, opm and invitin and not so much like ey gots a stick up th ass. Yknow what Im sayin? They wunt, like, "If you aint a Catlickr, then yer a-goin t Hellski; and weere all a-gonna be laffin atchas when ya go there." They was more like, "Maybe Gods got sorta a soft spot fer some o you fuckd up Protestnts out there." Like, "Maybe Godll save yous too. In spite o yer fuckd-up ways." (They said it a little nicr than that, tho.)
NOWWWwww ... HERE's where I FINALY ... well ... sorta come close to gettin to th pointski! THIS Vatican Coucl realy pisst off th Cnservative Catlickrs! Theys like, "What th fuck is ZAT all about? NON-Catlickrs aint automatickly goin in th PITski? How can THAT be?" And lots of em was pisst cause Masses wunt bein said only in Lattinese no more: they was bein said in all kindsa, like, reggalr languidges. And so now ya gots these, like, Traditionalist Catlickrs, who like to growse about how crappy things are in Cathaholism since that dangd Vatican II Councl. Theys th ones that wanna go back to havin Masses said only in Lattinese, and who wanna go back to sayin that Protestnts is all goin t Hellski. Heck! I bet theres ebm one or two ubm who thinks th Jews run th media!
And now weere gettin to it, fokes. Remembr th question? What is Sedevacantism? Well, th term "Sedevacantism" comes from th Lattinese expresion "sede vacante," which means "while th chair is vacant." Th chair in question here is th Chair o Saint Petr -- you know, th office o th Popeski. So a Sedevacantist is one o them Traditionalist Catlickrs who thinks th changes institutd at th Seckon Vatican Councl is SO wrong that it, like, unpopefied th Popeskis that was involvd in it. And whats more, it sorta, like, PREundepopefied alla th guys who woud be popefied in latr Conclaves cnvened by th Collidge o Cardnals fer th prpose o popefyin. Its like all th Cardnals who was party to Vatican II was renderd bofe ... ummm ... unpopeable and ... uhhh ... like, impopetent.
So a Sedevacantist, fokes, is somone who blieves that th Popes seat aint had no one in it since, like, 1958. Mel Gipsons dad is one o themski.
But now weere gettin to the REALY good part!
Once ya get to th point where ya gots some Roamin Catlickrs sayin "We aint had a popeski since 1958," its only a mattr o time bfore you gots some o them sayin, "Its time we went ahead and elecktd ourselfs a popeski." These is fokes whove gone from bein Sedevacantists to bein whats calld Conclavists. Since th Collidge o Cardnals spposedly aint fit to hold a Papl Conclave, ... well ... these fokes figgr THEYs a-gonna hafta hold one.
So some chick namd Teresa Stanfill-Benns and some dude namd David Bawden send out a invitation to all orthodox Catlickrs, summonin em to assemble fer th prpose o elecktin a real popeski -- yknow ... one who hates all th fokes a real popeskis a-spposta hate. And on July 16, 1990, in th cosmapolitn metropolis o Belvue, Kansas, they gatherd. All six of em. There was Mrs Stanfill-Benns. There was Mr Bawden. Then there was Mr Bawdens mom & dad. There was also anothr couple. In th makeshift basilica of a Vatican in exile -- which some have mistakn fer a store ownd by th Bawden famly -- these Dfendrs o th Fait elecktd ... Guess who! Yep. Mr David Bawden imself -- or "Pope Michael," as he prefrs t be calld.
Fokes, up t now I been, like, a impartial reportr here. But now I gotta say ... This guy aint no real popeski! I mean, you can friggin tell! Fer one thing, he gots a website that gots a blogski on it. Now THAT by itself dont disquallify im, cause a real popeski can have a website, and I think I seen somwheres that Pope Bendydick gots imself a blogski; but fokes, this Pope Mike fella gots a buttn on his blogski that says CONTACT POPE MICHAEL! Now I dont wanna go all Mel Gipson on ya, but YOU DONT JUS GO CONTACKTIN TH POPE, okay? If th Pope wants t hear from ya, heell jus send out a btallion o th Swiss Guard, and maybe a coupl o buttn-men from th Corleone Famly, to come n getcha. Yer gonna, like, IM th Popeski? Like, "Hey, hows it hangin, Pope?" I dont think so.
Fer anothr thing, take a look at th guys pitchr on his blogski. Seems pretty clear th guy aint evn got any decent popin gear t wear. Alls e gots is, like, a white shirt wif a high, tight collr that barely distinguishs im from a guy in a barbr chair gettin a haircut. Only thing popish bout that shirt is that it look like it hangs low enough to let th guy lose th britchs & go totly smokeless, like a real popeski coud. And look: Where dya sppose a guy goes to get imself some popin gear? PopeKo? And sppose you find a place that sells popin gear. Whaddya do -- walk in and say "I need some popin gear"? Th sales clerk might ask ya why you need popin gear. Whaddya say to that -- "Uhhh ... Because Im, like, th fuckin Pope?" See, if you hafta say "Im th Pope," its a cinch evryonell know you aint. Thats cause any real popeski will awready have all th popin gear -- cause they give ya all that stuff right when ya become th Popeski. Th Pope gots a mnopoly on popin gear. Theres probly sompm like Versace at th Vatican, and only th Popes allowd t shop there.
Fer one more thing, you cant tell me that this dude down in Kansas gots th ontourage that comes wif bein Pope. Heck! Th real Popeski not only gots th official pope-hats; he evn gots a guy who follows im around swappin his pope-hat evry now & then.
A real popeski dont hafta do nothin fer imself, except maybe focus his own eyeballs
and maybe transubstantiate some stuff, I guess.
But look. I aint yet toldja bout th WERST o Pope Mikes problems. Seems one Mrs Teresa Stanfill-Benns -- yeah ... that Teresa Stanfill-Benns ... she who helpd cnvene th now-famous 6-pack Conclave -- has in 2006 and 2007 publishd articles chalengin th validity o Pope Mikes elecktion. Evn she dont think Pope Mikes a real popeski!
And how dya think this embattld pontiff has set about dfendin his claim to th papacy? Well ... if you said, "He excmmunicatd th fuckin bitchski," then I gots nothin more t teach yas.