The Joey Polanski Show: September 2009

Buddies,

When I was in sckool, there were nine planets in th Solr Systm. And I knew em all, and coud evn name em in ordr from th one nearest th Sun -- thats Merckury -- to th one farthest from th Sun -- thats Pluto. Well ... it was Pluto back in them days anyhow. I awready done toldjas -- not jus once, but TWICEski -- that Pluto aint a planet in th Solr Systm no more. Its, like, a dwarf planet now. So its kinda like wif people, I guess. It aint like dwarfs are REAL people, rightski? Kay. So dwarf planets aint like real planets, then.

So Pluto aint a real planet now, which means now th planet in our solr systm thats farthest from th Sun is Neptune. But I also done toldjas that, along wif Pluto, therer some othr dwarf planets in th Solr Systm. Specifickly, I mentiond one, called Eris, which wudnt yet discoverd back when I was learnin planet stuff, and anothr, calld Ceres, which, aparently, my sckoolteachrs were jus keepin, like, a big SECRET or sompm.

Eris was discoverd only as recently as January o 2005, and it was its bein officialy classifyd as a dwarf planet rathr than a planet that causd th whole re-evaluation-o-Pluto thing. Eris, aftr all, as it turns outski, is BIGGR than Pluto. And whats more is that Pluto gots a moon so friggin big -- calld Charon -- that it throws Pluto around as much as Pluto throws it around, gravitationaly speakin. More prcisely, it aint so much that Charon orbits Pluto, or that Pluto orbits Charon; its more like bofe bodys orbit a point that is above th surface o eithr body. Thus, its almost as if there aint no more reasn fer sayin "Pluto is th planet & Charon th moon" than there is fer sayin "Charon is th planet & Pluto th moon." And alla this had fokes thinkin that if Eris aint a real planet, then there aint no friggin way Pluto coud be one neithr.

Ceres is a whole nothr mattr. It was discoverd way back in January o 1801. Fokes been knowin about IT fer a long timeski. Nfackt, onct upon a time, it WAS cnsiderd one o th planets. See, th othr thing thats WEEEEEEIRD about Ceres is that it AINT one o them WAAAAAY OUT wannabe planets like Pluto and Eris. Its th nex stop out aftr Mars. Yeah. Its sorta in our naybrhoodski. Its in whats calld th asseroid belt btween Mars and Jupitr. And THATs sorta what ended up bootin it outta th society o planets. Discoverin bodys similar to Ceres in th asseroid belt led fokes to think maybe Ceres was just a asseroid. But sompm about it still seemd a little too ... ummm ... planety -- it had enough mass that its gravity shapd it into a sphere, rathr than leavin it like a big bouldr tumblin in spaceski. So it aint a planet; it aint a asseroid; its a dwarf planet.

So kids in latr years hadta learn diffrent planet-stuff from th planet-stuff I hadta learn when I was a kidski. And I remembr hearin a few years back that some sckoolgirl won some kinda contest fer creatin th best dvice fer remembrin th planets & dwarf planets in their ordr from nearest th Sun to farthest away. And when I talk about a "dvice," I aint talkin about some kinda brain implant, yknow. Im talkin about a catchy & meaningful sentence where th first lettrs of th component-words, taken in ordr, are th first lettrs o th names o th planets & dwarf planets as ya go outward from th Sunski -- Merckury, Venus, Earf, Mars, Ceres, Jupitr, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, Eris.

Anyhow, this sckoolgirl came up wit th sentence:

My Very Excellent Magic Carpet Just Sailed Under Nine Palace Elephants.

Now I dont imagine any o yous out there are gonna, like, bristle at her use of a expresion like "very excellent." (Or ARE YOU?) This is, aftr all, th work of a sckoolgirl, yeah? And ya gotta love how her sentence gots, like, a little theme goin. It gots a strong flavr o Soufwest Asia about it -- wit th magick carpet & th elephants & th palace & shit.

Fokes, I wishd I couda entrd that contest bcause, as pitchresque as that sckoolgirls sentence is, tell me you aint MUCH more likely to remembr th ordr o th planets when ya think:

Much Virgin Eroticka Might Cause Joey Some Unusualy Noticeable Penis Enlargment.

THAT sentence gots evrything that yall love! It gots porn. It gots Joey. And it gots a peepee jokeski.

But look, fokes ... None o this mattrs anymore, and Magick-Carpet Girl can suck onnit. Heres whyski: Since she done crotch-buzzd em palace elephants, TWO MORE dwarf planets been added to th Solr Systm! Their names are Haumea and Makemake.

Atchualy, Haumea was first spottd about one munth bfore Eris was; and Makemake (prnouncd sorta like "hocky-sucky") was spottd only a coupla munts aftr. Remembr I toldjas about Brownie, th Prince o Planetoids, way back when? Well, like I said, this cat been, like, findin little planets all ovr th trans-Neptunian placeski. But, while th discovry o big-ass Eris was causin all th hubbub about whethr Pluto is or aint a real planet, a contrversy arose as to WHO coud atchualy claim to have firs spottd Haumea. Seems some Spanyard asstromboner -- a "brownie" of a diffrent sort, I guess -- was claimin to have spottd Haumea more than a year bfore th Real Brownie claims he spottd it. But it also seems that part o th data usd by El Brownero to dtermine that he WAS in fackt seein a trans-Neptunian objeckt (TNO) that wudnt awready on reckord wit th ... th ... Shit, I ferget what th oficial organization is that deals wif planet-stuff ... Unitd Fedration o Planets? ... Shit ... Whudduz it mattr? ... Anyhow, Spannish Brownie hadta make sure his old space-photos showd a planety TNO that th Fedration didnt awready know about. And -- now heres th source o th contrversy, fokes -- part o th data that ol Taco Brahe usd in shorin up HIS claim was data he colleckd by secretly accessin a online summary postd by our good American Brownie in advance o announcin HIS discovry o Haumea.

So, to make a long story ... ummm ... less long, Eris eventualy ended up bein reckonizd as a dwarf planet bfore Haumea was. And as fer Makemake, it too didnt get reckonizd as a dwarf plant till almost 3 years aftr it was firs spottd. See, aftr somone spots sompm up there that they think MIGT be a new planet, lotsa data gotsta be collecktd bfore th Fedration can dcide whethr it meets all th cryteria fer bein a planet or a dwarf planet -- as opposd to jus bein some ol boring-ass asseroid. Thats hows come Magick Carpet Girl hadta come up wif a sentence includin anothr E-word (for Eris) but not includin eithr a H-word (fer Haumea) or a 3rd M-word (fer Makemake).

But now, fokes, WE -- you & me -- get to try OUR hand at craftin th best dvice fer remembrin th ordr o th planets & dwarf planets in th Solr Systm! Yall ready? Kay. Now lemme jus refresh yas all, sos ya know what weere doin here. What we needs is a single sentence -- a meaningful, grammatickle sentence, and hopefully one that is easy to remembr verbatim -- wherein th words in their ordr begin wif lettrs matchin th firs lettrs o th names o th planets & dwarf planets in THEIR ordr from th one nearest th sun to th one farthest from it. And heres th ordr:

Merckury, Venus, Earf, Mars, Ceres, Jupitr, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, Haumea, Makemake, and Eris.

So our sentence hasta contain a sequence o words wit these as their initial lettrs:

MVEMCJSUNPHME

(And -- please, fokes -- whatevr ya do, dont leave out th 'U'.)
So, fer example, we might say sompm like this:

My Vast Encycklopedick Mind Can Just Somwhat Undrstand Nice People Havin Made Enemys.

See? Since nice people dont usualy make enemys, itd be hard fer evn a encycklopedick mind to comprehend th idea of a nice prson havin enemys; but it woudnt be impossible cuz, yknow, some fokes jus hate nice people. Heck! Some fokes evn hate ME. (I know, fokes ... Go figgr, right? Judgmental people SUCK.)

But I hear ya sayin, "Yeah, thats a FINE sentence, Joey. But whats wit th delicacy & sweetness? Howsabout a little RAUNCH? It dont hafta be, like, all flowrs & bunnys, ya know. Aftr all, we aint Canadians, fer cripes sakes! We can take it." Knowin yous as well as I do, I know thats your demure way o sayin, "Where th FUCKS th peepee joke?"

So maybe we coud say sompm like iss:

Masturbation Very Easily Might Castrate JediMacFan Somday, Unless Nubby Peepees Havent Measurable Extension.

"Okay," I hear ya sayin, "Now we gots our peepee. But wheres th PORNSKI?"

Kay. ... Spposn we said sompm like iss:

Mikes Vociferous Entreaty Made Cissy Jump Some Unsuspeckting Nympho, Puttin Her Mouf Evrywhere.

"YEAH!", you say, "GIRL-ON-GIRL ACKTION! But now ... WHERES TH JOEY?"

I aim t please, fokes!

Myra Very Excitdly Massaging Chickie, Joey Stood Up, Nonchalantly Pointin His Massive Erecktion.

Kay. Now that I can rest assurd that yous are all cmpletely satisfyd -- AND that yous can all EASILY remembr th ordr o th planets & dwarf planets -- I guess I can finaly close this lengthy postski. But bfore I do, lemme jus mention that th fun dont hafta end here, fokes. Somwhere out there in Trans-Neptunianlandski, theres a little thing calld Sedna. (Thanks again, Brownie!) Sedna is a TNO that is expecktd somday to be reckonizd as yet anothr dwarf planet. But it gots such a dangd funky elliptickle orbit that its probly somtimes closr to th Sun than Eris and somtimes farthr away from th Sun than Eris. So when we get around to havin to have our sentence include anothr S-word (for Sedna), weere gonna hafta make sure that its a word whose placement in th sentence can shift wifout wreckin th dangd sentence.

Sorta like th word 'sincerely', I guess.

Or 'sorta', maybe.

-- Ptolemski